Crackle

Just when I think I can breathe again, my bones quickly shatter to the floor.

I don't understand how I can be doing great one second, and the next second feel so completely helpless. How can one person render so much pain without even doing anything at all? I need to get away.. I need to be free of this maniacal hand that clutches me close when I'm mere moments away from flying. I am getting better. Every day will be a better day than the one before it, I have to believe that.. God is my Strength and He is truly all that I need. God will mend my bloodied heart, and the cuts will heal and it won't hurt so bad anymore. Scars may remain.. and my heart may jolt and ache when his scent reaches my nostrils or when the shadows slyly slip past my defense.. but I have to rely on God, I have to seek Him, and I have to remind myself that it won't sting forever. It won't always feel like I'm struggling to breathe.. my eyes won't always have to fight against the surging tide it struggles to conceal.

I will be okay.
Jesus is my Hope.

Contemplation

I've really been doing quite a bit of thinking lately (like that's anything new) and I've realized that I have come to an interesting crossroad in my life. Here I am, 22 years olf and a mere semester away from my college graduation and I have to admit, it has been the ride of a lifetime. I have seen things that I never thought I would see, smelled things I've never smelled, cried tears I could never forsee myself crying, and have laughed the satisfying laugh of a girl contented. It's an odd feeling. The feeling of detachment from one place and the open prospect of the world lying before you.. I feel like I could do anything, go anywhere.. and yet, I am utterly clueless about the next step. I want to be led of God.. I want to live a life, completely sold out to Him-- a life worthy of my calling. I want to hug orphans in Africa, talk to gypsies in Italy, shake hands with men in Israel-- I want to love unconditionally, travel the world, make His Name known. I guess the thing that intrigues me is that I have been thinking and praying about where to go next.. and where I feel led next.. well, let's just say that it's completely blindsided me. I know one thing and one thing for sure- without a doubt, I am called to Italy and I know that Italy is where I will eventually end up.. but.. not yet. For some unexplainable reason, I feel as though there is a mission for me to accomplish state side before I head to Europe, and for some reason, I feel as though I need to be in Florida. This is an all around scary thought for me. Why you may ask? Simple. For nearly 7 years now, Florida is the one place in the world that I have dreaded going back to. It holds so many negative memories for me.. memories I would rather forget and act as though they have never happened. Those who know me well, know that I have always said that I would never move back to Miami.. and it is totally out of character for me to say this, but I feel as though I have to go back. I don't know what God is wanting to accomplish, and I am still praying fervently about this decision, as I am unsure and want to be completely certain that I am following the steps that God has ordained for me to take, but this has been pressing upon my heart so heavily lately, and as of yet, I can't tell whether it's just me missing my family or me momentarily going mad, but nonetheless, it is a feeling I cannot shake. I return to Miami, FL for the first time in nearly 5 years this July and I am praying fervently for answers, discernment, and clarity. Please pray that God would make His will known, and that I would have the courage to follow wherever that may take me.

Thank you guys.

.Mon Cheri Etrange.